The E|B|Factor

sirkensingtons.com

RE: Bungled Order #2488

Dear Sir:

In light of recent experiences, your once noble and shining reputation is now tarnished. I ordered a four-pack of your ketchup as a gift for my girlfriend – a Canadian ketchup aficionado who had not yet tasted the wonders of your brand – and I paid for the international shipping and handling on the order. She was not only surprised at my thoughtful gift but also shocked and dismayed that UPS stubbornly charged her $50 to receive the package. As you could imagine, this took some fun out of the whole experience.

When she called me, confused and frustrated that she paid the deliveryman for something she didn’t order, we joked, hoping to lighten the mood: “$85 for four small jars of ketchup? You guys better taste incredible!” And I will indeed tell my friends (and my substantial social media reach and influence) that Sir Kensington’s is absolutely Without Credibility.

Nowhere did my online order state “possible added shipping fees to be paid by recipient”. I paid $9.99 for UPS Ground international shipping and trusted you were a company of its word: that the shipping was covered and all tariffs and duties were included. Sorry to say, but I now perceive your brand as manipulative and withholding. I now see your uncle Kensington as a phony lacking basic human values, moral fortitude, or any respect at all for the lifeblood of his company: his customers. In fact, I wouldn’t be half surprised to learn that “Sir” Kensington stole the recipe in the first place. That’s the impression I’m left with thanks to your total disregard for transparency in price and your selfish, exploitative relationship with decent, hardworking people.

Now, perhaps it was a mistake and you are willing to regain our faith in the company. Perhaps the wires got crossed between you and UPS. Perhaps it’s UPS’s fault altogether! I would like to believe a company that prides itself on good ol’ traditional values would take accountability for its actions; take accountability for facilitating a negative experience; and take accountability for the public relations disaster this hopefully won’t become.

There are few things in life as insidious and conniving as post-purchase hidden fees – especially upon gifts. It’s like winning a free trip to Hawaii, you grinning in your lei, only to learn of an exorbitant cost required to open the door and let you out of the aircraft. Since you’ve already landed and are eager to experience it, what choice do you have? It is a dead-set scam, no matter how you spin it. Your online international market requires more from your company than the local American audience (who can easily pick your product off any supermarket shelf) and yet this is how you behave? C’mon, guys.

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I see the mountains with fresh eyes and they hypnotize me. I find myself trancing out to them for hours, observing the subtle changes in their texture as the Earth rotates the Sun. Mountains are Nature’s Rorschach tests. Instead of inkblots we project our psychology onto the rock and make shapes appear. Random dot patterns, like those Magic Eye austereograms, reveal an encoded scene emerging with the proper viewing technique. (Animated austereograms hint at what messages are hidden in the snowy noise on television when no transmission signal is obtained). When we are disconnected from our source (the Universe, your Higher Self, God – whatever), we’re experiencing a form of electromagnetic noise or static. I’ve noticed that when I’m feeling off, rushing tap water sounds just like static – but when I’m on I receive my best ideas and insight emerging from the rush of water. My ears are decoding the signal, picking up the message that is amplified for me, somehow in the wet element. I call the shower my Thinking Box and getting clean is just a nice perk.

I instigated a Crowd-Wave at the 2006 Australian Open in Melbourne. My friends and I were face-painted in the red, white and blue of France, having randomly selected a country to support, and we were in character speaking broken English to each other in French accents. Australia’s sweetheart was playing tennis against a French opponent and we must have been her only supporters in a sea of Aussies. At one point, after receiving various heckles and jeers, I stood up during a pause of play, declared: “Ehhhh, how you say, wave?!” and threw my hands in the air. After a tentative moment, as if unsure how to respond, the crowd erupted in a cheer and continued my wave. People surged to their feet as the people-swell swept through the stadium, around and around. It was electric and invigorating; starting waves, being part of waves. It feels natural, I have come to understand, because waves are our nature.

In order to truly experience the richness of life - its vibrant highs and shocking lows that teach you gratitude and in all things a lesson on how to ride the ebbs and flows - you’ve got to emerge from the Comfort Zone. Whether a tentative tippytoe to test the water or a cannonball into the deep-end to learn how to swim, genuine living comes from stepping outside the safety net.

Freud would have some smug comment to say about the yearn to return to the womb, I’m sure. And on some level there is certainly an appeal to curling up in the fetal position with your thumb planted in your mouth. But that ain’t livin, man. The problem is many of us have replaced our cozy placental bachelor pad with some other crutch. A dead-end job. An unfulfilling relationship. The Internet. Whatever yours may be, if its holding you back from happiness then you’re trapped in an eggshell disguising itself as your old pal Blankie. (I’m sure I’m not the only one who had a gender-colour-specific blanket named Blankie as a toddler…)

When used with moderation and balance (those two keys to success), Comfort Zones are fine. The explorer bushwhacking the Amazon welcomes the security of his zipped-up tent every night - but he’s earned the respite by dodging jaguars and poison-tipped tribal darts all day. Cuddling up with your babe after a hard-fought hockey game is good. And there will always be a time and a place for watching silly cat videos. But even as I’ve learned from venturing into the relatively safe but unknown realm of Twitter, a multiverse of inspirational experiences awaits us. All we have to do is make ourselves move.

Movement is a relative term these days, isn’t it. We tap into the Virtual and our minds sail further than Magellan. Further than Buzz Freakin’ Aldrin! Meanwhile, in “reality” my leg hops the caffeine jig under the table and occasionally takes me down the hall to flush fluid.

But I digress.

The point is: the cure for the Comfort Zone Blues is positive movement (onwards/ upwards) in the direction of your well-defined goals. Which brings me to the story I want to share.

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It floated up through the busy coral reef kingdom of Twitter and resonated. The optimal mantra for my current life experiences, vibrating there on the surface like some magical shimmering reflection. Where if I reached out and touched it, I’d be a fraction more capable. And I wasn’t even looking for the answer. But like love and all those unexpectedly sweet bits of life, the universe gives us surprises that often turn out to be exactly what we need.

I’ve been striving for boldness lately, trying out some new habits and lifestyle adjustments. I quit my mind-numbing yet highly-paid job in the oil-fields of Northern Alberta to move to the megalopolis of Toronto to make a Communications career happen. You see, I’ve got a BA degree in Professional Communication and was only working up in the Patch with all the unbelievable part-time criminal/ full-time rednecks to pay off my student loan. (That’s a link to the blog I got out of the ordeal - some zany, sketchy characters, I tell ya). And my lady lives out here so may as well trust in my talents and trust that the universe responds favourably to boldness and go MAKE LIFE HAPPEN!! Right??

Well, it’s been two weeks and I’m still in the kitchen, working on my Life Recipe. And part of that recipe called for me to figure out how to use Twitter effectively.  So I stretched my memory for the lessons we learned in our Digital Communication class at Royal Roads last year and busted out a pretty good strategy. I’m not sure if this common knowledge or not, but these SIMPLE STEPS! got me 40 new followers in 3 days:

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